GOP: What's Next?

Now that Barack Obama has become the first African American to hold the highest office in the land, Republicans need to start rethinking the Rovian campaign strategy, which has served them so well over the past eight years (save 2006). The party, which once held a majority in both houses as well as leading the executive branch, now needs to wonder about its future; particularly daunting is the question of who to run in 2012. Some look to Sarah Palin as the leader of a neocon comeback in the next four years. Others hope a new voice will arise from the woodworks.

In this humble political observers opinion, if the Republicans wish to dominate the political scene once again, there is only one way to do it: go ethnic. Yes, the GOP needs to exchange its white bread image for wheat or pumpernickel; better yet Jewish marble rye (gotta pander to Florida voters). Conservatives need to attract more people of color to their party, and no Grandpa; free watermelon for all newly registered Republicans is not the answer.

So how can this task be achieved? In short, the GOP needs a complete facelift.

For starters, the elephant, the great symbol of pride and good fortune which has guided the party of Lincoln through civil wars, the progressive movement, and the George Bush Sr sushi incident needs to be exchanged for something with more interracial appeal. I suggest a panda bear. Yes, I know they're made in China, but this is what internationalization is all about. Let's face it, this creature can appeal to every major ethnic group; It's both black and white, as is our current president-elect, and it comes from Asia (the Tiger Woods effect). Of all species of bear, this one panders to the widest range of voters; it's a pander bear! The panda is strong and powerful, yet gentle: a compassionate conservative. Furthermore, It is a bastion of pro values America. Scientists agree that pandas on the whole respect the traditional definition of marriage: two people, male and female, bound together by a shared love and markedly diminished desire to engage in sexual intercourse.

When it comes down to crunch time though in 2012, Republicans are going to need more than an ethnically friendly bear to push them over the edge. Only a candidate with the ability to break more racial barriers and create more "firsts" in American history than the current president-elect will have any chance at nabbing that coveted seat in the oval office. Thus, I ask you, my dear readers, to be so kind and indulge me, as I present a man, whom I believe will win the White House back for the GOP next election. America, meet Muhammad Abdullah Allah Ackbar Jihad IV.

Born in Kansas and raised in the golden cornfields of America's heartland, Muhammad’s is a true American story. His father was a goat herder from Western Pakistan, his mother the daughter of a sheepherder from North Western Pakistan. The two met stateside in the mid 1950's and were married only 3 days after their introduction. Only in America could such boundaries of class and ethnicity be crossed. Their half-West Pakistani, half-North West Pakistani interracial child, Mo, as they called him, was born only 2 months later by Immaculate Conception. From an early age, little Mo showed a great interest in becoming a pilot. He bravely served our country during the Vietnam War as a member of the Texas Air National Guard, flying various different types of aircraft though oddly never learning how to land them. After two years in Texas, Mo returned home to Kansas a hero.

But things back home had changed since al-Khakholik VIII left his rural home to fight for his country. The deep sense of patriotism once so strongly shared by himself and his country had become marred by a continual discontent over the government's neglect of wounded soldiers. He wanted to do something to help his brothers in arms as well as all Americans who suffered the effects of bad federal policy. And so his next move was obvious: open a gas station/convenience store and mark down prices for veterans. For the next 40 years, Muhammad apu al-ladin Jafar Fiago II would bravely serve his fellow countrymen at discount prices that would make other convenience stores cringe! And in 2012, the little boy from a small town in Kansas is ready to take on the lobbyists and Washington insiders to work for a better America.

No one in the United States has the power to realize the conservative dream of uniting our nation and reaching across the aisle to get things done like Muhammed al Jazeera al-Qaeda al-Roker V. His appeal to liberals is obvious. Like President-elect Obama, he is a fundamentalist Muslim terrorist for whom a flag pin is as deadly as a crucifix to a vampire. But don’t let that fool you into thinking his policies are liberal. Just think how he’ll shake things up in Washington when he declares a jihad on pork barrel spending and earmarks. Imagine how satisfied American patrons will be when gun shows not only feature automatic weapons, but bombs, grenade launchers, and even 747 jet airplanes. President al-Beebaq, like the new party mascot, will also uphold the traditional definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman. In fact, with first ladies Ayaan, Alia, Jemilia, Laila, and Gjulchitai, you could say he’ll uphold it with five times more vigor!

So how about it conservative America? Think Mohammed (deep breath) abu grabe al-beef pati special sauce lettuce pickles and onions on a sesame seed bun XIII has a shot at turning the tide of American politics?