Animal House

People sometimes ask me about my attitude toward animals, and I generally say I'm not too keen on them. As it happens, in my 24 years on this planet, I have never spent any significant amount of time in a house inhabited by any kind of domestic creature (with the small exception of Isis the cat whose only role in my life was as the monster in my fourth grade Western “Killer Cat in Carson City” starring Mr. Potato head). Only about two goldfish make the short list of nonhuman living things which dwelt in my childhood abode: their week long existence's only offer of distraction from the monotony of life - the dramatic though terse Viking funeral they inevitably underwent in our downstairs toilet.

Not surprisingly, my animal-free childhood has engendered much sympathy among those who own or have at one time in their life owned a pet. "Dogs/cats/bunnies/ferrets can provide their owners with so much comfort and love. There's no feeling in the world like knowing a cute, furry little creature is waiting for you when you return home," is the cookie-cutter creed we often hear. I once defended my position on the issue with a rather controversial statement, arguing that I can get all the comforts of owning a dog simply by having a girlfriend. I had to quickly explain to my female conversation partner that I didn't mean to compare women to dogs (especially in the case of this young lady, who was sooner of the angry bull kin).

But sympathy can often turn to downright meanness as the subject of house pets continues to develop. What once took the form of "oh you poor thing" quickly manifests itself as "how could you not want a dog?" or the even more presumptuous "what do you have against cats?" Where would Turner be without Hooch? How would Timmy Martin save the day without Lassie? What hoopla would the press make over Barack Obama proudly proclaiming during his victory speech, "Girls, you have earned the new Venus Fly Trap that is coming with us to the White House?" The fact of the matter is that animal lovers often have a tendency to proselytize their lifestyle with an almost religious fervor; and the method of converting those of us who choose to cohabit with members of our own species even echoes the Spanish Inquisition. I have gotten angry stares, boos, even blown off by girls when my love of lesser creatures came into question. It just isn’t right, is it?

People like me don't need animals to fill some kind of void in their lives; we can find solace in a great many other things. Personally, I enjoy playing music, spending time with friends - traveling the world. In fact, "sucking the marrow out of life" is often a phrase attributed to this humble and totally petless author. In any case, who says I need a pet in order to demonstrate my love for animals? One of my favorite past times, for example, is eating food, much of which, as it happens, was at one time a living, breathing animal. How do I feel about cats? Never tried them, but meat is meat. What is my stand on frogs? Taste surprisingly like chicken. Am I a dog lover? Only once at a small restaurant in a Chinatown alleyway and I'm not proud of it.

Folks, all I ask is for the freedom to love animals in my own way: i.e. through the practice of ingesting their meat. I'm not trying to rain on pet owners’ parade here: just asking you to stop insisting that life with a domestic animal is the key to happiness. It may come as a surprise, but not everyone’s hearts are warmed by the thought of a stinking, slobbering Rottweiler running around the house, tearing up the cushions, peeing on the sofa, and eating baby Joey. Sure I understand that all pets are unique, and each can bring a different kind of love and affection to its owner, but the fact is, the animal kingdom and I signed a treaty a long time ago: you stay out of my house, and I'll stay out of the jungle.

GOP: What's Next?

Now that Barack Obama has become the first African American to hold the highest office in the land, Republicans need to start rethinking the Rovian campaign strategy, which has served them so well over the past eight years (save 2006). The party, which once held a majority in both houses as well as leading the executive branch, now needs to wonder about its future; particularly daunting is the question of who to run in 2012. Some look to Sarah Palin as the leader of a neocon comeback in the next four years. Others hope a new voice will arise from the woodworks.

In this humble political observers opinion, if the Republicans wish to dominate the political scene once again, there is only one way to do it: go ethnic. Yes, the GOP needs to exchange its white bread image for wheat or pumpernickel; better yet Jewish marble rye (gotta pander to Florida voters). Conservatives need to attract more people of color to their party, and no Grandpa; free watermelon for all newly registered Republicans is not the answer.

So how can this task be achieved? In short, the GOP needs a complete facelift.

For starters, the elephant, the great symbol of pride and good fortune which has guided the party of Lincoln through civil wars, the progressive movement, and the George Bush Sr sushi incident needs to be exchanged for something with more interracial appeal. I suggest a panda bear. Yes, I know they're made in China, but this is what internationalization is all about. Let's face it, this creature can appeal to every major ethnic group; It's both black and white, as is our current president-elect, and it comes from Asia (the Tiger Woods effect). Of all species of bear, this one panders to the widest range of voters; it's a pander bear! The panda is strong and powerful, yet gentle: a compassionate conservative. Furthermore, It is a bastion of pro values America. Scientists agree that pandas on the whole respect the traditional definition of marriage: two people, male and female, bound together by a shared love and markedly diminished desire to engage in sexual intercourse.

When it comes down to crunch time though in 2012, Republicans are going to need more than an ethnically friendly bear to push them over the edge. Only a candidate with the ability to break more racial barriers and create more "firsts" in American history than the current president-elect will have any chance at nabbing that coveted seat in the oval office. Thus, I ask you, my dear readers, to be so kind and indulge me, as I present a man, whom I believe will win the White House back for the GOP next election. America, meet Muhammad Abdullah Allah Ackbar Jihad IV.

Born in Kansas and raised in the golden cornfields of America's heartland, Muhammad’s is a true American story. His father was a goat herder from Western Pakistan, his mother the daughter of a sheepherder from North Western Pakistan. The two met stateside in the mid 1950's and were married only 3 days after their introduction. Only in America could such boundaries of class and ethnicity be crossed. Their half-West Pakistani, half-North West Pakistani interracial child, Mo, as they called him, was born only 2 months later by Immaculate Conception. From an early age, little Mo showed a great interest in becoming a pilot. He bravely served our country during the Vietnam War as a member of the Texas Air National Guard, flying various different types of aircraft though oddly never learning how to land them. After two years in Texas, Mo returned home to Kansas a hero.

But things back home had changed since al-Khakholik VIII left his rural home to fight for his country. The deep sense of patriotism once so strongly shared by himself and his country had become marred by a continual discontent over the government's neglect of wounded soldiers. He wanted to do something to help his brothers in arms as well as all Americans who suffered the effects of bad federal policy. And so his next move was obvious: open a gas station/convenience store and mark down prices for veterans. For the next 40 years, Muhammad apu al-ladin Jafar Fiago II would bravely serve his fellow countrymen at discount prices that would make other convenience stores cringe! And in 2012, the little boy from a small town in Kansas is ready to take on the lobbyists and Washington insiders to work for a better America.

No one in the United States has the power to realize the conservative dream of uniting our nation and reaching across the aisle to get things done like Muhammed al Jazeera al-Qaeda al-Roker V. His appeal to liberals is obvious. Like President-elect Obama, he is a fundamentalist Muslim terrorist for whom a flag pin is as deadly as a crucifix to a vampire. But don’t let that fool you into thinking his policies are liberal. Just think how he’ll shake things up in Washington when he declares a jihad on pork barrel spending and earmarks. Imagine how satisfied American patrons will be when gun shows not only feature automatic weapons, but bombs, grenade launchers, and even 747 jet airplanes. President al-Beebaq, like the new party mascot, will also uphold the traditional definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman. In fact, with first ladies Ayaan, Alia, Jemilia, Laila, and Gjulchitai, you could say he’ll uphold it with five times more vigor!

So how about it conservative America? Think Mohammed (deep breath) abu grabe al-beef pati special sauce lettuce pickles and onions on a sesame seed bun XIII has a shot at turning the tide of American politics?

Japan: Innovative Ways to Lack Creativity

Yesterday, during a meeting with some of my supervisors from Interac, one of the head teachers talked about the Japanese tendency to avoid answering personal questions. He recalled one of his old schools from a few years ago and how he would ask his fellow teachers about their activities during the weekend. As the days went by he began to notice a trend; almost every answer was “I played tennis.” Even with six feet of snow freshly lying on the ground outside his colleagues fervently insisted that their off time was dominated by the outdoor racket sport. He came to a conclusion, which was later confirmed by his fellow Japanese friends: “I played tennis” is really just code for “mind your own business.”

Ironically, the very next day at my Junior high school, the topic of discussion for my first grade students was “What do you do after school.” To no ones surprise I was confronted with an overwhelming number of responses involving the sport tennis. After about the tenth time hearing the words “I play tennis,” I became frustrated, “If Japanese play tennis so often, why aren’t they winning Wimbledon every year?” My JTE calmly explained in Japanese what I had said and the students chuckled. “Okay,” I continued, “From now on no one is allowed to say they play tennis after school. Please think of a different answer.” There were some worried looks throughout the classroom at the prospect of having to do more than simply repeat the standard answer, but to my relief, the next student I approached was more than happy to comply with my request. “What do you do after school?” I asked. With a smile and in his broken English, he answered, “I play table tennis.”

Four More Years

Yesterday I got an email from my mom telling me there was a problem with my absentee ballot, namely that I need to sign some paper in order to send it out, and considering that it would be too late to send it to Japan, and that the deadline to register for voting online has passed, I won't be afforded the opportunity to exercise my right as an American citizen to vote for president this year. Such a turn of events has deeply shocked and saddened me. For the past year, starting with the primaries, I have followed this election closely, torn between the two candidates, making my ultimate decision only about a month ago. The news that I now can't vote hurts me very deeply.

In 2004, I was in China, and under similar circumstances, mostly because of my own ignorance about election rules, I was once again disenfranchised. I spent the whole last four years telling my friends and family "I voted for.... well, I didn't vote, but I supported..." It was annoying and a huge knock to my credibility in political discussions. Since I was a young child, I have always been a huge presidential history buff; I'd say in my knowledge of the 42 men who presided over the executive branch of our government (and even the three who lead the articles of confederation government), I'm in the top 1% of Americans. And yet, I have never had the chance to vote in a national election. It's insulting. Guess I'll have to make sure on the first Tuesday of November 2012 that I'm in the good old USA...

Iran to the Polls

I got an interesting email from my sister this morning. I'll let it speak for itself:

Here we are in Virginia, a politically-conscious swing state which has been somewhat desperately courted in the last month. Leesburg, VA first had Obama come to speak, and today Palin will speak. We are a hot-spot, and we are important. Like my other home state Florida, where I did grad school and where my parents now live, there have been cases reported in which volunteers have reportedly deliberately delayed lines or ballots have defaulted to the McCain-Palin ticket. Hearsay?
Maria is originally from the Middle East. She is a citizen and has followed the election issues closely. This weekend, she decided to vote early to beat Nov. 4th crowds. With a line of approximately 35 people in front of her, it took Maria more than an hour and a half to finally get into a voting booth. It wasn't because the voters themselves were suspicious or without proper voting ID...I mean how time-consuming is it to show ID and cast your ballet? No, first there were "technical difficulties" with the computers. When she finally reached the front of the line, she said that after selecting each of her voting options, it took upwards of 3 minutes to move to the next ballot item.
80% of the people turning out to vote early are democrats. In fact, fully 1/3 of all the Democrats expected to vote are voting early this year. When people wait in long lines to vote, the "opportunity cost" of voting increases, making many people who cannot afford to wait so long go home or decide not to vote altogether.
Maria remarked, "It is easier to vote in Iran."

Bad Combos

John and Bill discuss the human body and ABC's hit drama "House" when the conversation suddenly turns to American junk food:

John: I don't know much about anatomy, I'm not a doctor, but I do watch House
Bill: so you are uninformed AND cynical
John: it's a bad combo... And by bad combo, I mean bad combination, not a cheeze filled pretzel stick that's been sitting on the kitchen counter for two weeks... crap, now I want a combo!

Lessons from John Sensei

During a lesson on body language and hand gestures for my junior high school students, the following humorous exchange occurred between the Japanese instructor, Florence (Nakubutso sensei) and myself:

Florence: So John, can you show us how to say "no" in English using body language.
John: (shaking head) Well, the most common way is to shake your head like so.
Florence: Is there a special way to say "no" to children?
John: (pointing index finger and swaying hand back and forth) Yes, there is as a matter of fact, like this!
Florence: How about adults?
John: (waving hand) You should wave your hand and make a disapproving face, like so.
Florence: I see. And how do you say no to a beautiful girl?
John: Think about baseball.

One Way Track

Sliding accross a snowy road towards Kanazawa to an underground brazilian night club and staying out until the break of dawn, sipping on coffees at cocos with a parade of fresh faces from all over the world. This is the one night that led me to open my "return flight" information on the internet, and with my hand firmly placed on the "cancel flight" button, flip a 10 yen coin. That evening I was particularly drawn to revisiting certain parts of my pre-Japan life, and the call to just "get on the plane and go home" was ever so strong. But the coin had other plans for me. Four times I flipped that coin, and each time, the answer was the same: stay in Japan. How could I argue with chance? Afterall, it was chance brought me here to begin with.

We, as humans, have a tendancy to let the past keep a stranglehold on us. In moments of providence, we see there is more to life than wishing for things to go back the way they were; before the argument, before the accident, before the break up, etc. It can be a new experience we've never had before that reminds us we are alive. Sometimes it's a new person who suddenly appears in our lives and challenges us to step outside of our comfort zones, to take a risk, to feel something real. The question becomes how we then interpret that experience or that new relationship. Is it a new direction in life or simply a blip on the radar screen? As it happens, I wrote a song a while back for O'pinpin that at the very least vaguely flirts with this idea:

One Way Track
Music by Saitoh Teppei
Lyrics by Johnny Di Lascio

The siren call of another world
Pull myself home with mild regrets
Alone inside, bound to earthly scorn
And feigning lights offering providence
Some think and some might say
A fading star
Should always burn away

The sun will rise again
Casting the first stone
And if you find a friend
Let love seat your throne
Gone down a one way track
How does it feel, now you’re running…
Knowing you can’t go back?

From stations echoes in the clear
Of trains that passed by so long ago
The ghosts we chased tread so far from here
Like evening hours, they turn us into foes
Our times as one have gone
We lost ourselves in all the ways we’d grown
If we’d only known

The sun will rise again
Listen, not too long
Our lives might meet an end
But my love is still strong
There’s no hurdle on your one way track
How free it feels, now you’re running
Knowing you can’t go back!

It's a work in progress!

Kafka Cliches

In the 1980's, journalist Christopher Hitchens visited the then Soviet stronghold of Czechoslovakia, now two seperate democratic states. Here is an excerpt from a 2005 interview with the Hoover Institution in which Hitchens recounts his time behind the iron curtain:

[As a reporter,] one tries to avoid cliché. I remember I went to Prague during the old days, the bad old days of the communist regime to attend a dissident meeting. I thought whatever happens to me, I'm not going to mention the name Kafka in what I write. I'm going to be the first reporter who doesn't--who goes to Prague and doesn't bring up Kafka... Anyway the policemen came in--the secret police broke into the meeting I was at and slammed me up against the wall and said you're under arrest. And I said what for? And they said we're not telling you what for. And I thought damn, now I have to mention Kafka.

Christopher Hitchens is an Oxford born journalist who has contributed to publications including Vanity Fair, Rolling Stone, and the Wall Street journal. In addition to boasting an impressive body of published works on a wide range of subjects, Hitchens is also a prominent speaker on atheist philosophy and a Thomas Jefferson biographer. "The Hitch," as his avid readers know him, holds the distinguished honor of being the only reporter to have visited all three "Axis of Evil" countries. Always bold, armed with a sharp with and biting sarcasm, and never above personal attacks, Hitchens is both revered and beguiled by his contemporaries. His fundamental support of the principles of American democracy along with strong reservations about the British crown led him to became a US citizen last year, taking his oath on the steps of the Jefferson memorial in Washington DC.

Full Hoover Institution Interview
http://www.hoover.org/multimedia/uk/2939056.html

Read more about Hitchens
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Hitchens

Hitchens discusses North Korea
http://www.slate.com/id/2117846

Suspending the Smear Campaign

It’s a Thursday evening somewhere in Middle America. A young lower middle class family of four is sitting down to have dinner. As they thank the Lord for the food on their table, the father turns on the kitchen television set. Alex Trebek segues into a commercial break, and the fading sound of the Jeopardy theme song is abruptly interrupted by dark ominous music and an unflattering picture of a forty-something black man in a suit. “Barack Obama wants to teach YOUR six year old children about SEX!” Without a moment’s reflection, the decision has already been made for this small town family “No way, no how, NOBAMA!”

Extreme an example though it may be, ads just like this one have been used by the McCain camp for months in an attempt to mislead Americans on issues ranging from education to foreign policy in Iraq. It’s nothing new. McCain’s playing out of the old Karl Rove playbook (who got it from Goebbels): take a candidate’s policy, remove a few or all the details, and reinvent it as a moral issue. But the strategy was too recognizable, and liberals along with freethinking conservatives across the country were less willing fall for it.

Then suddenly, amidst a storm of negative political ads and shameless smears, a beacon of light shone through what was in recent weeks a dark and dirty campaign. That beacon of light was John McCain himself. Last week the first of a series of debates between the presidential candidates was conducted at the University of Mississippi campus in Lafayette. With a stern smile and a firm handshake, the Arizona senator, leaving behind a wave of negative adverts, political gimmicks, and “suspend the campaign” stunts entered a debate he was as of a few days ago being dragged into kicking and screaming.

By the very first opening statements of the two candidates the tone of the debate was clear: no misquoting, no photoshopped pictures, no slogans, just straight and unadulterated political discourse. Criticisms would be dealt out harshly, but with respect for the other candidate and, more importantly, the facts. This was the moment we remembered who John McCain truly was.

Speaking on issues of tax reform, spending cuts, the war in Iraq, earmarks, immigration, the economic crisis, and others, McCain was detailed, presenting facts and figures as well as clearly stating his positions and views of the opposing side. Old crowd pleasers like “They hate us for our freedoms” and “They’re going to follow us home” were nowhere to be found. Classic republican scare tactics, as if fighting to somehow make their way into the discussion, were mostly stifled, forcing the candidates to appeal to voters on the basis of issues and reason.

John McCain’s performance in the September 26 debate seemed in many ways a rebirth of the straight talk express character he popularized in 2000. The rebirth was unfortunately short-lived; immediately following the debates, the McCain camp ran an ad grossly misrepresenting Obama’s responses. However, this one moment of providence could be the saving grace for McCain among undecided voters who feel lost in a sea of mudslinging and party-hackery. Independent of ones views of McCain’s policies, last week’s debate, if nothing else, gave voters a clearer and more coherent basis on which to further research the Arizona senator and make a more informed decision this November. Even after coming to a full understanding of the value of his ideas, however, the question becomes, what does John McCain’s smear campaign say about his integrity and by default his ability to lead this country.

Sex Education Ad
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=NseW0UPMLtg&feature=related

Obama Debate Responses Ad
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec3aC8ZJZTc

Humorous sketch about McCain ads http://www.videosift.com/video/SNL-Im-John-McCain-and-I-Approved-This-Message

Americans Think Their Trash Don’t Stink!

It’s another quiet day at my Japanese junior high school. I shuffle in at 8.15 as usual, flipping open my notebook and with a 45 degree angled bow, solemnly mumble a respectful “Ohio Gozaimasu” (good morning) to my coworkers. The traditional checking of email and thumbing through freshly posted facebook photos is suddenly interrupted by an earthquake of Japanese teacher frenzy over my desk… okay, STOP MOM, earthquake is just a metaphor, there wasn’t actually an earthquake so don’t call the embassy, I’m okay, just keep reading… Anyway, out of the crowd steps forward a lone English speaker; one of those who are in charge of helping me adjust to the challenges of working in Japan.

“John sensei,” he nervously stutters, “so, you have brought food to the school. This is okay. But please, do not throw the food wrappers in the trash bin next to your desk. I will show you where it goes.”

At his request, I rise and follow my teacher to the other side of the teacher’s room, through a hallway, across the copy room floor, through another hallway, and finally to another smaller cabinet-sized room to the left. Had he blind-folded me, I might have thought I was being taken to some secret Free Mason ceremony. At this point, he shows me a trash bin and says, “Please place your food wrappers here.”

A bit embarrassed in the face of the hoopla I caused over this trash incident, I shyly nod and promise to use only this bin from now on for my food. It is at that moment that my dear teacher adds a slightly more disconcerting statement: “In Japan, food left in the trash will stink.”

My first reaction to his words is one of frustration and disbelief. Linking the obvious notion of trash stinking with the idea that as a foreigner, I am probably not aware of this fact? That’s prejudiced and even downright racist! The cynical expat awakens inside me: “Oh you know, because in America, the trash smells like roses. In fact, we decorate our houses with old half eaten cupcakes and cartons of sour milk to save money on air freshener and incense.” But what really motivated my supervisor to choose passing on this advice to me in such a seemingly condescending manner?

In Japan, recycling and separation of garbage are policies held on a level almost equal to that of a religious belief, taking “cleanliness is godliness” to a whole new stratosphere. To offend such a firmly established institution in Japan even out of sheer ignorance is likely akin to not washing your hands after going to the bathroom. One would certainly be uncomfortable trying to explain to a fellow colleague why pee on your hands is kind of gross.

Hence, the Japanese teacher is faced with a dilemma: how to state the obvious to me without insulting my intelligence. By rooting the problem in a fundamental difference between Japanese and American culture and tradition, the message is successfully relayed while at the same time diluted in its potency by the idea that such an incident was inevitable and that I am in fact the victim rather than the perpetrator. His solution, though perhaps misguided, highlights in fact a deep kindness and thoughtfulness on his part to save me from embarrassment. Such actions represent an ideal which is intricately sewn into the fabric of this society; the idea that criticism should be dealt out with delicacy and care for the individual in question. While a western view of such a philosophy might lead one to call such behavior passive-aggressive and underhanded, in the context of Japanese society, it is considered the proper way to act. For me personally, the trash incident was yet another warning about the importance of treading lightly in such a carefully constructed society.

Author’s note: While I do feel this particular case was an example of the aspect of Japanese culture which emphasizes courtesy, I do also concede that the Japanese tendency to distinguish itself from the rest of the world highlights a strong presence of nationalism, which I will discuss in late blogs.

Good day all,
I'm going to be brief in my introduction because I want to go straight into the meat of my text here. You will find this blog begins rather abruptly, rejecting the ancient "Full House Pilot Episode" philosophy of presenting the backstory of all the characters in play before introducing them to real life situations and problems. As I continue to write entries, you will learn more about me and my experiences. Besides, should I actually manage to discipline myself well enough to continue this blog, any form of introduction will be pressed into the very deep and dark bowels of blogscurity anyway, never to be heard of or seen again. What's the point? So let's get started!