Animal House

People sometimes ask me about my attitude toward animals, and I generally say I'm not too keen on them. As it happens, in my 24 years on this planet, I have never spent any significant amount of time in a house inhabited by any kind of domestic creature (with the small exception of Isis the cat whose only role in my life was as the monster in my fourth grade Western “Killer Cat in Carson City” starring Mr. Potato head). Only about two goldfish make the short list of nonhuman living things which dwelt in my childhood abode: their week long existence's only offer of distraction from the monotony of life - the dramatic though terse Viking funeral they inevitably underwent in our downstairs toilet.

Not surprisingly, my animal-free childhood has engendered much sympathy among those who own or have at one time in their life owned a pet. "Dogs/cats/bunnies/ferrets can provide their owners with so much comfort and love. There's no feeling in the world like knowing a cute, furry little creature is waiting for you when you return home," is the cookie-cutter creed we often hear. I once defended my position on the issue with a rather controversial statement, arguing that I can get all the comforts of owning a dog simply by having a girlfriend. I had to quickly explain to my female conversation partner that I didn't mean to compare women to dogs (especially in the case of this young lady, who was sooner of the angry bull kin).

But sympathy can often turn to downright meanness as the subject of house pets continues to develop. What once took the form of "oh you poor thing" quickly manifests itself as "how could you not want a dog?" or the even more presumptuous "what do you have against cats?" Where would Turner be without Hooch? How would Timmy Martin save the day without Lassie? What hoopla would the press make over Barack Obama proudly proclaiming during his victory speech, "Girls, you have earned the new Venus Fly Trap that is coming with us to the White House?" The fact of the matter is that animal lovers often have a tendency to proselytize their lifestyle with an almost religious fervor; and the method of converting those of us who choose to cohabit with members of our own species even echoes the Spanish Inquisition. I have gotten angry stares, boos, even blown off by girls when my love of lesser creatures came into question. It just isn’t right, is it?

People like me don't need animals to fill some kind of void in their lives; we can find solace in a great many other things. Personally, I enjoy playing music, spending time with friends - traveling the world. In fact, "sucking the marrow out of life" is often a phrase attributed to this humble and totally petless author. In any case, who says I need a pet in order to demonstrate my love for animals? One of my favorite past times, for example, is eating food, much of which, as it happens, was at one time a living, breathing animal. How do I feel about cats? Never tried them, but meat is meat. What is my stand on frogs? Taste surprisingly like chicken. Am I a dog lover? Only once at a small restaurant in a Chinatown alleyway and I'm not proud of it.

Folks, all I ask is for the freedom to love animals in my own way: i.e. through the practice of ingesting their meat. I'm not trying to rain on pet owners’ parade here: just asking you to stop insisting that life with a domestic animal is the key to happiness. It may come as a surprise, but not everyone’s hearts are warmed by the thought of a stinking, slobbering Rottweiler running around the house, tearing up the cushions, peeing on the sofa, and eating baby Joey. Sure I understand that all pets are unique, and each can bring a different kind of love and affection to its owner, but the fact is, the animal kingdom and I signed a treaty a long time ago: you stay out of my house, and I'll stay out of the jungle.

GOP: What's Next?

Now that Barack Obama has become the first African American to hold the highest office in the land, Republicans need to start rethinking the Rovian campaign strategy, which has served them so well over the past eight years (save 2006). The party, which once held a majority in both houses as well as leading the executive branch, now needs to wonder about its future; particularly daunting is the question of who to run in 2012. Some look to Sarah Palin as the leader of a neocon comeback in the next four years. Others hope a new voice will arise from the woodworks.

In this humble political observers opinion, if the Republicans wish to dominate the political scene once again, there is only one way to do it: go ethnic. Yes, the GOP needs to exchange its white bread image for wheat or pumpernickel; better yet Jewish marble rye (gotta pander to Florida voters). Conservatives need to attract more people of color to their party, and no Grandpa; free watermelon for all newly registered Republicans is not the answer.

So how can this task be achieved? In short, the GOP needs a complete facelift.

For starters, the elephant, the great symbol of pride and good fortune which has guided the party of Lincoln through civil wars, the progressive movement, and the George Bush Sr sushi incident needs to be exchanged for something with more interracial appeal. I suggest a panda bear. Yes, I know they're made in China, but this is what internationalization is all about. Let's face it, this creature can appeal to every major ethnic group; It's both black and white, as is our current president-elect, and it comes from Asia (the Tiger Woods effect). Of all species of bear, this one panders to the widest range of voters; it's a pander bear! The panda is strong and powerful, yet gentle: a compassionate conservative. Furthermore, It is a bastion of pro values America. Scientists agree that pandas on the whole respect the traditional definition of marriage: two people, male and female, bound together by a shared love and markedly diminished desire to engage in sexual intercourse.

When it comes down to crunch time though in 2012, Republicans are going to need more than an ethnically friendly bear to push them over the edge. Only a candidate with the ability to break more racial barriers and create more "firsts" in American history than the current president-elect will have any chance at nabbing that coveted seat in the oval office. Thus, I ask you, my dear readers, to be so kind and indulge me, as I present a man, whom I believe will win the White House back for the GOP next election. America, meet Muhammad Abdullah Allah Ackbar Jihad IV.

Born in Kansas and raised in the golden cornfields of America's heartland, Muhammad’s is a true American story. His father was a goat herder from Western Pakistan, his mother the daughter of a sheepherder from North Western Pakistan. The two met stateside in the mid 1950's and were married only 3 days after their introduction. Only in America could such boundaries of class and ethnicity be crossed. Their half-West Pakistani, half-North West Pakistani interracial child, Mo, as they called him, was born only 2 months later by Immaculate Conception. From an early age, little Mo showed a great interest in becoming a pilot. He bravely served our country during the Vietnam War as a member of the Texas Air National Guard, flying various different types of aircraft though oddly never learning how to land them. After two years in Texas, Mo returned home to Kansas a hero.

But things back home had changed since al-Khakholik VIII left his rural home to fight for his country. The deep sense of patriotism once so strongly shared by himself and his country had become marred by a continual discontent over the government's neglect of wounded soldiers. He wanted to do something to help his brothers in arms as well as all Americans who suffered the effects of bad federal policy. And so his next move was obvious: open a gas station/convenience store and mark down prices for veterans. For the next 40 years, Muhammad apu al-ladin Jafar Fiago II would bravely serve his fellow countrymen at discount prices that would make other convenience stores cringe! And in 2012, the little boy from a small town in Kansas is ready to take on the lobbyists and Washington insiders to work for a better America.

No one in the United States has the power to realize the conservative dream of uniting our nation and reaching across the aisle to get things done like Muhammed al Jazeera al-Qaeda al-Roker V. His appeal to liberals is obvious. Like President-elect Obama, he is a fundamentalist Muslim terrorist for whom a flag pin is as deadly as a crucifix to a vampire. But don’t let that fool you into thinking his policies are liberal. Just think how he’ll shake things up in Washington when he declares a jihad on pork barrel spending and earmarks. Imagine how satisfied American patrons will be when gun shows not only feature automatic weapons, but bombs, grenade launchers, and even 747 jet airplanes. President al-Beebaq, like the new party mascot, will also uphold the traditional definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman. In fact, with first ladies Ayaan, Alia, Jemilia, Laila, and Gjulchitai, you could say he’ll uphold it with five times more vigor!

So how about it conservative America? Think Mohammed (deep breath) abu grabe al-beef pati special sauce lettuce pickles and onions on a sesame seed bun XIII has a shot at turning the tide of American politics?

Japan: Innovative Ways to Lack Creativity

Yesterday, during a meeting with some of my supervisors from Interac, one of the head teachers talked about the Japanese tendency to avoid answering personal questions. He recalled one of his old schools from a few years ago and how he would ask his fellow teachers about their activities during the weekend. As the days went by he began to notice a trend; almost every answer was “I played tennis.” Even with six feet of snow freshly lying on the ground outside his colleagues fervently insisted that their off time was dominated by the outdoor racket sport. He came to a conclusion, which was later confirmed by his fellow Japanese friends: “I played tennis” is really just code for “mind your own business.”

Ironically, the very next day at my Junior high school, the topic of discussion for my first grade students was “What do you do after school.” To no ones surprise I was confronted with an overwhelming number of responses involving the sport tennis. After about the tenth time hearing the words “I play tennis,” I became frustrated, “If Japanese play tennis so often, why aren’t they winning Wimbledon every year?” My JTE calmly explained in Japanese what I had said and the students chuckled. “Okay,” I continued, “From now on no one is allowed to say they play tennis after school. Please think of a different answer.” There were some worried looks throughout the classroom at the prospect of having to do more than simply repeat the standard answer, but to my relief, the next student I approached was more than happy to comply with my request. “What do you do after school?” I asked. With a smile and in his broken English, he answered, “I play table tennis.”